People Hearing Without Listening

Listening is in the air. Vayishma Yitro (And Yitro heard) last week. This week we begin the parsha with the slave who does not want to go free and has to have his ear pierced. (According to Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai in the Midrash – the reason that he must undergo this procedure is because "The ear which heard at Mount Sinai 'we are slaves of G-d only', and defied this by selling himself as a slave should be pierced.") and we end the parsha with Naase VeNishma (we will do and we will listen). Rabbi Warren Goldstein, the Chief Rabbi of South Africa (and according to some my Facebook doppelganger!) wonders why the portion that contains the Ten Commandments would be named for Yitro – a non-Jew. Chapter 19 of Exodus is about the important lead-up to the giving of the Ten Commandments. Chapter 20 contains the actual giving of the Ten Commandments. Chapter 18, the interaction between Yitro and Moshe, seems to be quite secondary. "Why is the Torah structured in such a way that the parsha begins with the story of Yitro, almost by way of introduction to the giving of the Torah, and then by doing so it actually gave the parsha its name? Surely a more significant name for this parsha could have been found," writes Rabbi Goldstein. His answer is that the section about Yitro is not at all secondary. Yitro teaches us the importance of listening which in many ways is a pre-requisite to accepting the Torah. The plain truth is that the entire world heard about the events that Yitro did, yet the Torah only records that Yitro heard them. The first word of the portion – VaYishma (and he heard) has a gershayim as the trop bringing emphasis to the fact that Yitro heard. Rabbi Nisson Alpert states that "listening" means much more than simply being attuned, more than simply hearing what is said. A person's response upon hearing something will largely depend upon his attitude before he hears it. This is why two people can have very different reactions to the same event. An experience will only affect someone if they are prepared to change. Yitro, according to the Midrash, had tried every form of idol worship that existed at the time. He was a searcher for truth and he finally found it in Judaism.

Rabbi Goldstein writes:
"The messages are out there, but we have to respond to them. Perhaps this is why the parsha is called Yitro, after the one who was searching for the truth and listened to it when he finally found it. In order to receive the Torah we have to throw ourselves into it. We have to listen for the truth, be receptive to it and be able to change who we are based on the messages that G-d is sending us. The art of listening is about shifting our positions and seeing the world from a completely different perspective. Yitro exemplified this ability. The starting point to receiving G-d's Torah is to be a good listener. In fact, often when the Talmud wants to bring a proof of something in the discussion concerning a particular halachah, it says Ta shma, "come and listen." The most famous verse in the entire Torah is Shema Yisrael, "listen Israel." Similar messages can be found in the law about the slave's ear piercing as well as in the Jewish people's stating Naaseh VeNishma.

Modern society is focused on speaking but not on listening. Seth Godin wrote in his blog this past week that Google reports four times as many matches for "how to speak" as "how to listen." We think that listening is passive while speaking is active. Stephen Covey in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People lists as his 5th habit – "seek first to understand and then to be understood." According to Covey in order to understand others, one must engage in empathic listening. Covey writes that one can only acquire this ability with a "very deep shift in paradigm." "We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They're either speaking or preparing to speak. They're filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people's lives....Our conversations become collective monologues, and we never really understand what's going on inside another human being (Seven Habits, pp. 239-40)."

Most practical rabbinics programs aim to teach rabbis how to speak. Speaking is an important part of the rabbinate. It is through the spoken word that we teach, empower, uplift, comfort and console. Few rabbinic programs, though, teach how to listen. At Barkai we put as much energy into teaching how to listen as we doing into teaching how to speak. After Pesach our rabbis will engage in an intensive course entitled "Words float on the surface of water – the art of the interview and the skill of listening." We will deal with different models of listening including Active/Reflective listening, Empathic listening, Non-literal listening (according to Covey only 10% of our communication is represented by the words we say. 30% is represented by our sounds and 60% by our body language). In conjunction, we will study the "art of the interview". Through the means of open questions that invite congregants to look inwards and discover answers within themselves, the rabbi is able to free the congregant (or anyone else who has sought his assistance) of dependency and develop his/her autonomy. This course will be taught by Eli Sharon. Eli is the Director of Spiritual Care at a very important organization that Barkai has partnered with, Tishkofet (called "Lifes Door" in English). Life's Door-Tishkofet was established 6 years ago to address one of the most difficult periods in the life cycle: illness and end of life. With roots in the US and its primary activity now in Israel, Tishkofet has reached over 10,000 patients, family members and professionals who are grappling with these issues in their personal and professional lives. Eli is a psychotherapist. Among his many titles and accomplishments: he is a graduate of Beit Ariela, School of Story Telling Arts, Tel Aviv, Certified Psycho-drama Group Facilitator (Merkaz Ayelet, School of Psychodrama & Arts Integration). In 2008 Eli received certification as Cognitive Life Coach from Machon Tovanot, School of Life Coaching. In 2010 he received certification in Talmudic Biblio-therapy, as well as a graduation of "Issues of End of life" at The Geriatric Institute, Sha'arei Tzedek Hospital, Jerusalem. Eli is a graduate of the Clinical Pastoral Education Program in Israel directed by Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, New Jersey. Eli serves as the Commander of the Naval Search Unit in the Israeli Navy and the Chief Advisor to the Navy H.Q. on identification and burial of the Navy's fallen soldiers. Eli was born in Magdiel Transit Camp, to a Holocaust surviving couple.

The Torah does not only tell us that Yitro heard but also that Moshe heard Yitro's constructive criticism. After Yitro concludes his advice, the Torah in Exodus 18:24 says that Moshe listened to the voice of his father in law- using the same word "VaYishma". This required an enormous sense of humility on Moshe's part. Here he was eighty years old, had led the people out of Egypt and was on a "first name basis" with God Himself. Surely, Moshe did not have to listen to Yitro. But he did. Humility and the ability to listen are the necessary prerequisites to being able to receive the Torah. It is this humility that we aim to teach our rabbis at Barkai. We are here to listen and serve. Rabbis like to speak and that is certainly an important skill But, it was Epictetus, the first century BCE Greek sage and Stoic who reportedly said that we have "two ears and only one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."